Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Things I do, instead of doing things.

I'm sure a few of you have been starting to wonder as of late, where my blogs ran off too. I know it sounds like a cop out saying I've been swamped, so I wont say it. Not because of the cop out factor as much as the lack of inherent truth. I once had a teacher (we're talking 3rd grade here) who told me I spent more time making excuses then doing the actual work, and if I worked more and complained less I'd get a lot more accomplished... And by god, the flaming bitch was right. Thanks bitch!

Below I have taken the liberty of listing the things I HAVE been doing lately.

1. Watching snails.
Now, before you judge me, snails are kind and misunderstood creatures of the sea. Their lives are simple. Move slow. Pick up rock. Travel slowly with rock to opposite side of fish tank. Deposit rock in chosen corner. Deliberate yet casual 180 degree turn. Travel across tank for second rock. And so on. It's all about moving things to places, and avoiding salt and French people at all costs. My kind of animal.

2. Watching the movie "House of Wax"
Kind of like watching snails. It's been playing nightly on FX for the last few days, and I love it. It might be one of the worst movies ever made, but the escape from reality is a key factor here. In the real world, Paris Hilton exists. In the movie, Paris Hilton gets impaled through the face with a giant metal pole within the first 30 minutes of screen time. Her total lines in the film? About a dozen (which in my opinion was pushing it). Her death scene? Worth its weight in cinematic gold. I could watch that pole slide through her cranium like a tiny blond watermelon on repeat all evening, and that thought occurred to me simultaneously with the thought that I wished I had TIVO. There was no one in my house while I was watching House of Wax, but I kept uttering "That's hot" to myself and you know what? It never stopped being funny.

3. Scratching my cats with forks.
Turns out, the best cat scratcher is a fork. I discovered this when I finished eating my rice pudding (while watching House of Wax and talking to myself) and my cat Sushi jumped up into my lap. I was about to dump her back onto the floor like the warm hearted care giver that I am, when I accidentally poked her with my fork. She looked at me. "Meow?" (she seemed to say). Poke. Poke. Scratch. Purring! I feel like I discover new uses for kitchenware on a daily basis. I'm ok about sharing this with the general public, because no one ever comes over to my house for dinner... and if anyone was considering it, I hope I put the kibosh on that idea for good. I don't cook. I buy pre-made food, and groom small animals with my utensils.

4. Order things online and then cancel the order before checking out.
I'm poor, but also a compulsive internet shopper. My new system for satisfying my need to shop online and not spend a dime is working out splendidly. I simply go onto the desired website, click "add to cart" to everything and anything that I want, fill in all my information, and then click out of the window before I get to the part that says "complete transaction". Then I pretend I ordered everything, and my short attention span takes care of the rest.

5. Pull random objects out of my cat
Before you jump to conclusions on this one, listen carefully. Sushi (the cat I fork) likes eating things she finds around my apartment. Strings, twisty ties, hair bands, necklaces, and the like. Often times, she will gag on one of these things, and I get the fun filled and exciting job of pulling whatever she has chosen to ingest out of her throat as she runs backwards in a ball of gagging fury. My personal favorite was a 9 inch shoelace that I pulled out of her stomach in one single piece. I call it "fishing for treasure". She calls it "BLERCHHHHHHHHHH!"

6. Sticking labels on things.
And I don't even own and label maker. I'm talking straight up ghetto labeling from the printer, hand cut and hand laminated using multiple pieces of scotch tape. I enjoy labeling all of my things at work, because A) I'm paranoid everyone steals my things when in reality I just lose everything and B) I want to give the illusion of being organized without ever actually having to organize anything. That box has my name on it. The contents of the box is unimportant and probably covered in iodine and hand soap from my "iodine and hand soap accident of 07", but the label makes it look official, and if you try and take it I'm going to come after you with a staple gun. Additional warming: I JUST learned how to use a staple gum and have already stapled my thumb nail to the wall (twice yesterday actually), so don't mess with me.

7. Wandering around aimlessly on Facebook.
For some unknown reason, Facebook is the internet equivalent of a vast and unrelenting desert. I browse around, reading peoples headlines and looking at pictures, but I'm not really paying attention. I don't really care about the save the earth party coming up or the new skydiving alcoholics group being put together... in fact, I could give a flying alcoholic shit. I don't want to know if Jake and Mary are still dating, or if Matt and his brother are in a fight, or if Suzy is pregnant and its the love child of Myspaces founder Tom. It doesn't really matter, we all have our "feeds" going on and on in an endless Wall Street like way (minus the urgency, of course), but for some reason I just keep going back. I keep reading about everyones boring, scatterbrained lives. In a way, I durrive more pleasure from watching the snails move rocks around the tank, but in a way that's ludacris because it's almost EXACTLY the same thing... except the snails don't have photo albums.

8. Spilling things.
2 days ago it was coconut scented shampoo. Yesterday it was paint. 3 seconds ago, it was a glass of lemonade. My legs are cold, and lemony.

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