Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Can you smell the consumerism?

Per my friends request, we spent a good part of the lazy day off afternoon at a perfume store, smelling smells. This was the way the idea was proposed to me. "Wanna go to a perfume store and smell some smells?" "Sure."

And with that it was decided. In no time flat we were sitting cross legged on the floor of a department store, with our noses poised above fancy looking bottles shaped like the busts of women, diamonds, tear drops, and everything smelled like flowery grandmothers. Between sneezes, I lifted a bottle of Giorgio Armani Code to my nose and fumbled around for the squirty part. The key word here is fumbled, because in my allergy induced haze I had mistakenly pointed the nozzle directly at my face and gave it a good hard press. In half a second, I had Code covered eyeballs and was rubbing my way into sexy smelling blindness. "Hey! I really like this one! Come smell my eyes!"

In a few minutes I had most of my vision, although a bit hazy, returning to normal. While browsing a side shelf, a square yellow bottle caught my eye. Most likely because it was yellow and larger then the other bottles, hence making it easier for me to see through my Armani tears. I grabbed the bottle and read the label.


No fucking way. I'm sorry. Did I seriously just read that. The most useless, annoying, self indulgent vehicle to ever grace the driveways of new money hicks and ultra right wing republican loony tunes now has a fricking COLOGNE? I had so many questions. Does it smell like regret? Is it made from the tears of baby seals? Does it deplete the O-zone layer and destroy the environment with every squirt? Is the bottle big enough to fit my regret and desperation? Will putting it on help the world understand what a huge douchebag I am? Will you be able to smell how big of a douchebag I am from miles away? Do I have to refill the bottle every 3 minutes? Can I customize the bottle with creepy abbreviations like "HMRLVR" and "FUIRAQ"? GOD I hope so.

Most importantly, I immediately wanted to know how the Hummer Cologne smelled. I picked it up, but paused before bringing the bottle to my nose. Often times, I allow my curiosity to get the best of me. Maybe spraying myself in the face with code was a sign from on high. Do I really want to know exactly what greedy corporate America smells like... and doesn't corporate America stink enough on its own without needing to bottle the stench and market it to the public? Do I want to sniff the round table of advertising decision makers who agreed and shook hands on the notion that the most evil vehicle ever invented needed to also be a fragrance? Do I want the essence of Hummer lingering inside my nostrils and undoubtedly making me dumber just for having partaken in its aroma? Does it have that 'new car' smell?

So I put the bottle down without ever inhaling the contents, and felt instantly glad that I left that entire mess a mystery. Ideally, every bottle of Hummer Cologne ever bottled, packaged, and shipped will go unsold until the day its discontinued. Ideally it will be removed from shelves forever, allowing all the stores that ordered the stuff to repent and scrub the stink of embarrassment off of their reputations. Sadly, if I know anything about people and the world I've lived 22 and 1/2 years in, this will not be the case. Some stupid freedom fry loving idiot will buy cases of the stuff religiously, dousing their cheap collar popped Abercrombie polo shirts in it until it nauseatingly wafts from their every pore.

So thank you, advertising geniuses and corporate jerk offs behind the ever growing Hummer phenomenon. Thank you for allowing the few sane individuals left on this earth the gift of not only being able to see morons and half wits coming from a fricking mile away, but now we can also smell them coming too.

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