Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Evangelical Christians: and other reasons why the world is coming to an end

There are few things that scare me more then organized religion, and fewer things still that manage to frighten the crap out of the very core of be being than the cult phenomenon that is Evangelical Christianity. So being the spiteful Jew that I am, I chose Easter to theorize the obvious connections between this sect of insanity and the end of the world. I mean, what else am I going to do today? All the stores are closed.

A stadium full of Republicans wailing and carrying on about "getting saved by Jesus" is item number two on my top 100 things that are wrong with the world today. In case you're wondering, item number one is a stadium full of Republicans wailing and carrying on about "getting saved by Jesus" without a food court... but as we all know, Evangelical churches recognize the need for large amounts of right wing nut job southerners to indulge in greasy fast food Americana during their religious atonement. Yummy.

Lets say that one day an alien from outer space decides to fly his little Martian ship down to earth to study the human race, and makes the navigational mistake of landing smack in the middle of one of these ceremonial Christian cluster fucks. Do you think Mr Martian is going to stick around while we smack each other in the forehead and proclaim "PRAISE JESUS, YOU'RE SAVED!" to everyone within a hallelujahs swinging distance? No way! He'd zoom out of here so fast he wouldn't even bother stopping at the nearest Texaco for extra rocket fuel and a Slim Jim.

Apparently, George Bush once said "I trust that God speaks through me" to a gathering in Lancaster PA. I hate to be the one who is continuously pointing out the obvious, but if God got high enough on crack one day to find it an amusing enough joke to speak through the monkey lips of George Bush himself, he would (one would assume) not continuously mispronounce words like "Nuclear". Fool me once, shame on....errrr...me.... umm... fool me twice... ehhhh....? Whatever, pass me a banana.

It comforts me to know that the leader of our nation, a widely declared supporter of the Evangelical church, is not only the self proclaimed speaker of the direct words of God, but also chucking us into a war under a belief system where the apocalypse is imminent. Therefore, true to my love of list formation, we will call good old president Bush the number 1 reason why the world is in fact, coming to an end.

Reason number 2: Tom DeLay
Crazy by its dictionary definition, Delay once told the Washington Post that "God is using him to promote a biblical worldview on American politics" and as far as I'm concerned, I've heard just about enough from nut jobs number one and two about God using them as his own personal finger puppets. Tommy boy would also like to "reestablish what he sees as the rightful role of religion in public places...". A total comfort coming from a guy who, previous to being "saved", was an exterminator. I'm sure (in the quiet of his bed late at night) he still refers to himself lovingly as "THE EXTERMINATOR" but this time without any connection to bugs and more so to things like gay people, minorities, and freedom.

Reason number 3: Reverend Jerry Falwell
Most of you recognize this bitter fart as Tinkie Winkie the Teletubbies mortal enemy; because of poor Tinkies purpleness and his compulsive need to carry gorgeous handbags and coo in high pitched fabulousness. Sure, its a free country and any religious figure can openly bash a gay toddler icon, but it might be taking it a bit too far to also believe in dispensationalism (by definition, the belief that after the Antichrist performs a mass slaughter on the Jewish people, the survivors must convert to Christianity). Being a Jew myself AND a supporter of big gay purple Telletubies worldwide, you might understand my strong distaste for the Rev. Because crazy knows no particular boundaries, Falwell has also been quoted as saying that global warming is "Satan's attempt to redirect the churches primary focus from Evangelism to Environmentalism". Damn that Satan, he wants us to focus on restoring our environment? He truly is evil, and his priorities suck.

Reason number 4; Reverend Timothy LaHaye
Aptly referred to as "Reverend Doomsday" by Rolling Stone magazine (I knew there was a reason I keep renewing my subscription, pure genius), Tim is considered by many to be one of the most important and influential leaders in the Christian right, and in his spare time an avid author of novels about the apocalypse, which happens to be his very favorite topic. He believes that Iraq, lead by the Antichrist of course, will engage Israel in a world shattering battle to the end of the world. Epic, huh? LaHaye, along with President Bush and the "Committee to Restore American Values" have honed very specific ideas about gay marriage, stem cell research, abortion, education, and religious freedom; all of which I'm sure by now you could throw out some pretty accurate educated guesses.

I don't know about all of you, but this Easter holiday weekend, I'm feeling pretty safe. After all, everyone is sitting home peacefully eating Easter dinner and looking for little colored eggs in grandmas rosebushes (careful kids, theres thorns!). I mean, even the super insane big wigs are probably taking a break from inventing their personal bible thumping versions of the way we will all soon be burning in eternal hellfire... I mean, everyone needs a vacation from their jobs now and again- even if your job is to be the absolute scariest old white dude since Hitler. So relax everyone, put your feet up and slip those shoes right off. Theres plenty of time to eat some chick Peeps (or at least stick one or two in the microwave for fun) before we are all swallowed up into damnation.

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