Tuesday, April 8, 2008

"I can't feel my face" and other dental adventures

Just got home from the dentist... 2 fillings and a whole lot of novacain later, im looking a little stroke victem-ish on the right side. A little lispy, a little drooly... am I turning you on yet?

I used to be a dental receptionist. In fact, it was the first job I ever had. So I am totally used to the sound of the evil tooth drill. It dosnt bother me as much as it gets to some people. Whats more, is I'm used to the attitude that a trip to the dentist can drudge up in a person. Door shoving, coat throwing, foot dragging, sullen faces come in and out of dental offices all day long. People HATE it, and for good reasons. No one looks forward to some strange person sticking their hands into your mouth attached to sharp metal torture impliments and shredding at your gums until they look like pink confetti robbon. Razor like X-rays? Here you go, how about 17 of them. Want some strawberry flavored cleaning paste? How about chocolate? Well, they actually both taste like doodie so it dosnt matter which one you choose. Oh, and I think I might ask you a few questions while I have a good part of my arm down your throat, do your best to answer them... Do you floss regularly? Excuse me what? I cant understand you. Stop gagging, I'm feeling around in your small intestine for cavities.

But I dont mind it. Maybe its because I did spend a good long time as an kid freaking out in the dentist chair and getting it all out of my system. At the age of 4 I had to be straight jacketed into the dentist chair with the whole staff holding me down just so I wouldnt assault the dental assistants. I was a fan of scratching, kicking, and my own person favorite, the finger chomping bite! Seems a bit animalistic to straight jacket me, but having worked with kids after being a dental receptionist, I was lucky no one ever hauled off and back handed me. Damn kids.

So now, on my best behavior, I grit my teeth against the razor X-rays and manage to compliment the assistants earings from underneith the crushing weight of the seemingly concrete filled X-ray proof body bib... I guess in case of unknown pregnancy it keeps the harmful rays from exterminating your baby into fetus dust... or at least prevents it from growing extra heads and flipper fins. But going to the dentist now is very different then it was even a few years ago. For example, I got to watch Caddy Shack on my own personal screen while being drilled on. When I was a kid, the best they would do was hand you one of those stuffed animals packing GIANT chomper teeth, which only sent me into further hysterics as it looked like it was on its way to chewing straight through my terrified little body.

You ALL know what I'm talking about. What WERE those things anyway? Who ever stuck an oversized set of dentures into Kermit the Frogs mouth and said "Yes, this looks like a demon straight from the depths of childhood nightmare hell! Lets give one to every pediatric dentist in the world."

I guess the moral of this blog (oh my god, there is one today) is that life is chalk full of shit that you dont want to do, but you have to. The more we avoid things like the dentist, the more you run into more serious issues down the line. Like all of your teeth rot and fall out of your head and you end up looking like poor mutated kermit, wearing dentures that will undoubtedly scare the neighborhood children out of your back yard ("Get out of my yard, you damn kids! Chomp chomp chomp!"). Might as well just suck it up and put on a happy face. Being bitter and crabby just makes you less tolerable for everyone else involved. And let me tell you, having worked one on one with a dentist, there are special dentist ways of letting you know youre attitude is not appriciated. Said dentist not wearing deoderant for your appointment might be one of them. eww. So smile, open up wide, and say AHHHH.

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